Star Star teach me how to shine...

Placed myself within a community today...funny feeling, felt like I was stealing something precious...I hadn't been invited...didn't ask could I join their something sacred for the morning...Windsor Baptist...its a good place...they graciously allowed me to sit, to be, to think, and to offer a little of my self back to God in worship...and didn't ask for anything in return...


my head filled with thoughts of identity again...


Who or what is this self I am supposed to be?
The sermon based around ideas of what it means to be human...what it means to be yourself.

And now I am left wandering like a lost soul through the vastness of this meaning of life, wondering whether or not our Gomar's will ever exchange the twenty pound notes they hold in their hands for the greater value of life...

Something that the pastor spoke today...
LIFE IS LOST OR GAINED IN THE LIVING

How then do our Gomars truly live? Could they infact be stealing life from themselves?

Listening to The Frames today:

"Star Star teach me how to shine shine

Teach me so I know what's going on in Your mind

'Cause I don't understand these people

Who say the hill's too steep

Well they talk and talk forever

But they just never climb...

Star star teach me how to shine shine

Teach me so I know whats going on in Your mind

'Cause I don't understand these people

Who say we're all asleep

They'll toss and turn forever

But no rest will they find..."

Can these women be loosing thier lives right now simply by living?

I hear in my mind...

I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all this music
And it breaks my heart

...suppose they never meet You, suppose they never fall in love...suppose they never let You kiss them so sweet and so soft...suppose they never saw You...suppose You never ever called their names...

Suppose I keep on singing love songs just to break my own fall??

Thursday night past...

It is hell down there in the velvet layers of Clarence Street....the jokes are cold...people don't laugh at jokes...they laugh at tragedies...corner street societies...


"But they believe her
They never leave her while she sings
She makes them feel things"

Could I be a lady that sings so true?
Could Emma and I be women who sing?

I feel like I have walked these streets for so long.
There ain't nothing right...
there ain't nothing wrong??

Our Gomar's, they stand, then disappear...and when they return...they light a cigarette, puff away with no regrets...they say they are free...

Sitting on the pavement on thursday night I remembered...it was on these streets I learned to fly, it was on these streets I learned to cry...

And it is on these streets I won't solely sing love songs...I will learn how to sing true.

Echoes of Les Miserables...

A song is sung by Fantine. She is poor, loses her job through no fault of her own, and she has a daughter to care for. She sells her hair then turns to prostitution to earn some money. This poetry is a song expressing the weeping of her soul...unfulfilled dreams and the huge gap between expectation and the reality of what life actually turns out to be...'I dreamed a dream'...Ruth gave me this...reminded her of our Gomar's...thank you Ruth...

The story of Les Miserables unravels hope - a story of redemption, of something more, of forgiveness.

I Dreamed A Dream...
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

whilst this narrative doesn't end with hope, Ruth suggests this isn't her only song...And so the journey continues...may it be so...

On this page
I write my last confession
Read it well
When I, at last, am sleeping
It's a story
Of those who always loved you
Your mother gave her life for you
Then gave you to my keeping.

Come with me
Where chains will never bind you
All your grief
At last, at last behind you
Lord in Heaven
Look down on him in mercy.

Forgive me all my trespasses
And take me to your glory.

Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spoken
To love another person
Is to see the face of God.

Do you hear the people sing
Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing to the light.

For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.

They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord.
They will walk behind the plough-share,
They will put away the sword.
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward.

Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with us?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?

Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!

Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with us?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?

Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes, tomorrow comes!

Gomar's of Belfast...you can live in freedom in the garden of the Lord...

Death and Hope vying with each other...

Thursday past...didn't do anything with our Gomar's other than sit! Sitting mostly in silence, overwhelmed by such a state of existence. Men came and went, our ladies offering dead parts of themselves over and over again...will I ever understand?

couldn't offer words, prayers, couldn't even truely offer love...
felt numb inside to the reality of it all...felt numb inside to the hope of the gospel that I long to give my life too...

Has my presence down town become emotionless?
Has the normality of our presence in town, has it diluted the very presence of Jesus?

to you Lady Gomar I am sorry...
O that you may hear His voice, speaking tenderly to you...
Lady Gomar, that you would stop suffocating the fire of His love...all you leave yourself is coal...why still do you chose to feed on ashes?

"What's going on, it's cold out here
You have a life but it's torn and tattered
Gomar, you're losing pieces of your heart
You have a world but it has stopped turning
You have lost another day and have chosen the dark
Love is a fire but you quench its desire to burn
Stop dragging My love across the coals
It is time to recover your soul
Lazy old sunset sinking like a tear
Alone at night in a losing battle
That perfect world is never clear
You have to fight for the things that matter
Spare your heart, save your soul
Stop dragging My love across the coals
I want to recover your soul"

The Woman and the dragon

Revelation 12

1 Then I witnessed in heaven an event of great significance. I saw a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon beneath her feet, and a crown of twelve stars on her head.
2 She was pregnant, and she cried out because of her labor pains and the agony of giving birth.
3 Then I witnessed in heaven another significant event. I saw a large red dragon with seven heads and ten horns, with seven crowns on his heads.
4 His tail swept away one-third of the stars in the sky, and he threw them to the earth. He stood in front of the woman as she was about to give birth, ready to devour her baby as soon as it was born.
5 She gave birth to a son who was to rule all nations with an iron rod. And her child was snatched away from the dragon and was caught up to God and to his throne.
6 And the woman fled into the wilderness, where God had prepared a place to care for her for 1,260 days.
7 Then there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon and his angels.
8 And the dragon lost the battle, and he and his angels were forced out of heaven.
9 This great dragon—the ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, the one deceiving the whole world—was thrown down to the earth with all his angels.
10 Then I heard a loud voice shouting across the heavens,
“It has come at last— salvation and power and the Kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters has been thrown down to earth— the one who accuses them before our God day and night.
11 And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony. And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die.
12 Therefore, rejoice, O heavens! And you who live in the heavens, rejoice! But terror will come on the earth and the sea, for the devil has come down to you in great anger, knowing that he has little time.”
13 When the dragon realized that he had been thrown down to the earth, he pursued the woman who had given birth to the male child.
14 But she was given two wings like those of a great eagle so she could fly to the place prepared for her in the wilderness. There she would be cared for and protected from the dragon for a time, times, and half a time.
15 Then the dragon tried to drown the woman with a flood of water that flowed from his mouth.
16 But the earth helped her by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that gushed out from the mouth of the dragon.
17 And the dragon was angry at the woman and declared war against the rest of her children—all who keep God’s commandments and maintain their testimony for Jesus.
18 Then the dragon took his stand on the shore beside the sea.

The promise of blossom...

To come into one's own...

A condition or time of vigor and freshness...

To come to a promising stage...

“She looked calm and serene, but her face betrayed her inner state, for she was suffering silent pains she feared would never leave her."

Who do you say that I am?

This is the story of “I” in the world...

There are stories told…ancient stories of primordial creations, primordial births…and the plots unfold to reveal the entry of some kind of sin into these worlds, and the reluctant departure of its inhabitants from the pristine place, the tranquil gardens where God could walk with man and with woman with no disguise…these were the Edens. The stories continue, playing out the struggle between the Eden-state and the Exile state. The back turned on all good things, to a land of shame and banishment, of covering up…thus was born the façade. But…the narrative continues and there is a gospel to be heard, there is good news - on the horizon there is a messiah, who brings a new hope…the Kingdom Come. The exiled can never return to Eden, but there is another place that promises something that has the scent of Edens gardens, the taste of its pure waters…maybe this could be a return to innocence, a second naiveté?


How do we learn to live in the hinterlands, in the in-betweens…for isn’t that where we are…somewhere between banishment and the promise…the Eden-state and the Exile-state? Am I alone, when I say that sometimes I feel like a stranger in this land…an immigrant…and there is a feeling and a longing deep inside that feels like homesickness…but I have no memories of that home for which I long. I have no stories to recall. No firm identity that I can claim to reinforce that citizenship. It feels like carrying the wrong passport.


In desperation we forge identity in the flames of fear and hostility. Uncertain about what this fledgling state is, we define ourselves by what we fear, or what we hope we are not. We make statements and policies to reinforce our existence, feeling threatened by everyone…from without and within.

I am not like them, I am not one of those…and that is who I am.

I am not gay…I am not a prostitute…I am not an immigrant…I am not a Muslim…I am not mentally disabled…I am not weak…I am not depressed…I am not afraid…and the sum of all these things which I am not, is who I am. I don’t even know who I would be if I were not able to say what I am not. I can’t tell you what I love, but I can surely tell you about what I hate.

When I think of identity, I normally think of fear and clinging. I think, that for most of the time, we use identity in a negative way…and the problem with this is, that names have power. Even when the name is simply “I” or “you”…”us” or “them”…these nominations have incredible power. The nominations we give others or ourselves tend to have a sense of solidity, rather than fluidity. They tend to bind rather than to free. And, in as much as this, they are not adequate for expressing the human condition, the human experience. When things fail to do this they can quickly become, not only inadequate, but also simply dehumanising. We reduce others and ourselves to our lowest common denominators, just to make life easier to contain, to comprehend.

Where there is mystery we pin down, where there is lack of understanding we grasp at certainty with contrived facts. We would rather name inadequately than continue on unknowing. We do this to ourselves. And because we treat ourselves this way, we treat our neighbours this way. We reduce ourselves and name ourselves…in naming we solidify, in solidifying we reduce our ability to morph and change. We curse ourselves to our chosen fate. We curse those around us to the same fate as ourselves, because we fear uncertainty…we fear what we do not know…who we do not know.

I can no longer can say the word prostitute...why? becuase I called myself a warrior and forgot I was a lover...and the women that I love have become slaves to this identity...


...ricky thank you...